Dizzy Spell

I wonder if you laugh when you see me walking around in circles from above. But from down here, it seems that any straight path I walk on just ends up back in the circle. Once I'm in, I can't stop myself from pressing my foot back into the craters I'd left before until it's impossible for me to tell which footprints are new.

I'm getting dizzy.

Consumed.

Everything around me is a blur.

I suppose all I can do is keep walking around in my circle.

This Generation

I'm not like these people.

In an enclosed environment full of people my age, with supposed similar beliefs,

I find that I'm not like any of them.

I don't feel the need to rely on others just to get me through the day.

I don't feel shaken by my doubts or valid doubts of others.

I'm not scared of life outside of an education system or my parents' house.

I'm not afraid to say no or yes.

I'm not afraid to BE ME.

Being me means that I have doubts, fears, and struggles.

But being me means that I'm okay with all of them.

Is everyone in this generation incoherent?!

At least in high school I could escape from these people after the eight hour day was done.

I feel suffocated by kids whose parents never let them grow.

And now they cling to anything that's even remotely stable.

These kids are so called "adults".

Then why don't they think for themselves??

Why don't they rely on themselves?

Why don't they believe and trust in themselves when all they truly have are themselves?

They're so brainwashed by society.

It's sad.

It's painful.

It's pathetic.

Everything inside of me screams out for something more.

Why aren't they screaming too?

Where's their inner self that is yelling to be FREE?

Or are they that far gone?

Is there no hope for this generation?

They'll cling onto Mommy and Daddy.

They'll desperately cling onto their close friends.

Then they'll find that right person in their life that they can desperately cling onto for the rest of their lives until one day they wake up and realize that they spent their whole life clinging onto everything around them and never found true happiness or self-worth.

Or worse yet, that they'll never realize it.

Captive

It's a disease.

Myself.

I used to think I was a fairly selfless person.

That statement in itself is pretty self-centered.

I thought by pushing everyone away I could be strong on my own.

That by pushing you, who's closest to me, to arm's length,

I could somehow avoid having attention be put on me,

When in fact, I end up becoming stuck in my head.

Prisoner to myself, to my own self-centered thoughts.

I don't want to push you away.

The truth is, I'm scared you'll see I'm broken and weak.

You say I'm strong.

I'm not.

I'm weaker than anyone I know.

I don't want you to see that I struggle.

I have God. I shouldn't have to struggle so desperately.

Right?

Because you say He's just a crutch.

If that were so, then why am I still so weak?

God keeps me fighting, yes.

But He's not a crutch.

I hate this self-pity stuff.

We all struggle with it to some extent, I suppose.

I can't get it out of my subconscious though.

I'm internally hiding from myself.

Hiding that I punish myself with self harm.

With every glance in the mirror, every calorie counted.

I can't even be honest with myself,

How can I be honest to you?

You say I look thinner.

You haven't seen thin.

I'm trying so hard to work this out on my own.

I can't promise you more than effort.

I want you in my life.

I miss you terribly.

I'm trying, babe. Please understand.

Give me time. I'm still learning to be okay with myself.

Set Me Free

My soul feels ready to burst.

This air is so stifling.

Can't. Breathe.

I just want to pray,

Want to be near,

NEED to be near.

Torn in separate places.

This one's going to scar.

I'm at loss.

My hands are tied.

But you'll never see,

Never see that my mouth is covered.

There's so much my heart desires for.

So much you wouldn't understand,

or even begin to comprehend.

How can something feel so right,

and yet so entirely wrong all at the same time?

My soul is so thirsty...

Help!

I'm running dry!

How much longer will this desert plague me?

Humble Me

I just want all that I do to be an act of worship to the one who gave everything for me. I want to be a mirror image of him in every way. My attempts are pitiful and I just beg that he continues to humble me. But I will never stop fighting because his kingdom is the only one worth fighting for.

Homesick

To not feel you near is the worst feeling in the world. And it's not something that anyone can understand unless they know you. My soul aches and groans, mostly because I'm the one who pushes you away. Then when I don't feel you, all that's left is emptiness and pain. And it's not guilt. I know what choices I've made. It's a tearing between flesh and spirit and damnit, it hurts. It's my own desire to compromise that inevitably breaks me in two. Sometimes I wish for this to be over, that I may simply be with you. I'm so far from home.

Limbo

Is it really that big of choice?

Who do you love more?

I hate this feeling.

Longing so strongly for God

and yet also longing, just as strongly,

if not more, for that which is visible, tangible,

and of which I'm sure of.

It's absurd that I'd feel like it's a choice.

He only sent his Son to die for me.

He only forgave all of my sins in their entirety

and made me new.

He only loves me with an agape love that, as a human,

I am incapable of replicating.

Only gave it all for ME.

And yet I have the nerve to feel

I need to make a choice??

The battle between flesh and spirit is more painful than I can put into words. Why is this such a struggle?

I wish that the flesh and spirit were

more compatible with one another.

This shouldn't be a choice.

But I'm stuck in this limbo.

Agape

Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē): Greek word meaning "love", unconditional love.

How do you define love? I've come to know love as more than being patient, more than being kind. Sometimes love is painful, scary, and flat out difficult. But it is always beautiful and always true. It's a paradox of deep struggle and beauty. The English language cannot possibly begin to define it, but I absolutely know that it is the only thing worth living for.

Diamonds in the Sand

I never thought that I could love like this

Just within one kiss I,

I feel I've got the world at my feet

There ain't nothin' that I can't defeat, No

And yet I feel so free

You make me wanna live

More like me

It's the only way be

But it's difficult in a world

Full of manufactured people

When you and I are like diamonds in the sand

I always thought that I

Had my life planned out

Yeah I had no doubt that I,

I'd find a man like me

Who breathes, speaks, and thinks

Just like me

But you see things differently

And you make me wanna live

More like me

'Cause it's the only way to be

But it's difficult in a world

Full of manufactured people

When you and I are like diamonds in the sand.

Worth the World

There's something about the way you smile.

You don't do it too often, but by God when you do, I swear it's the most beautiful thing.

And I can't describe the way I feel when you kiss me so gently on my forehead.

Within that small display of affection, I feel like I have everything I need right in front of me.

Everything else just fades away.

You don't have to say anything.

Because you already make me feel like I'm worth the world.

Stop and Listen

Candles burning in the morning.

The scent of dew.
And you can feel the sun rise,

the sun opening up the skies.

Everything made new.

A chance to change.
Constant rebirth,
with every turn of the earth.
How can you remain stagnant?
You can't tell the rivers not to flow,
the flowers not to grow,
the seasons not to come and go.
And you can't tell your heart not to beat,
your legs not to move your feet.
Don't make your life wash, rinse, repeat.

Stop and Listen.
Feel.
We're all one in the same.
Stars are parts of constellations;
Branches, parts of every tree;
People, parts of one body.

Allow yourself to be who you are,
because you're part of the whole.
Don't contain, restrain, or disdain yourself.
Abstain from the mundane.
Your calling is to ascertain who you are, what you are.
From this truth you must never stray.

Stop and Listen.
Feel.
As long as your heart beats,
don't let it remain still.

Defect

A piece of paper.

I promise you, that's all it is.

Just as flammable as any other paper you've ever written on.

And yet you place so much value on it.

It's as if you place your entire being solely on that paper.

You expect it to speak on what your future holds.

But it will only ever be a piece of paper.

My soul cannot be displayed in any tangible form.

My dreams, desires, and all of my being will not magically be handed to me in the form of a diploma, medal, trophy, plaque, or any of the sort.

Look around.

Identical products being showcased as effective "members" of society.

I must be the defect of this year's shipment.

Rubber Duckies (Part II)

Let's just lay and gaze at the stars
Forget the world
Just let it all go
Now that you're here with me
I don't want to let go

Please just stay, just stay where you are
The morning can wait
'Cause when you're here with me
I finally feel free

You've changed all I know
How can I better show
All that my heart needs to say
And words can't explain
What's here inside of me
I don't want it to fade away...

Let the rain fall down on us
Let it sweep us away
Just stand here close to me
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Stroke my hair
Kiss my cheek
We're lost in the ecstacy
You know when you're here with me
I finally feel free

You've changed all I know
How can I better show
All that my heart needs to say
And words can't explain
What's here inside of me
I don't want it to fade away...

Where we go from here
Only time will tell
But as long as you're right here
I'll lose myself in you

Quiet Chaos

Where am I?

Is this mine?

I don't think so.

I'd left all that behind a while ago.

Water dripping.

Constant reminder.

Puddles forming into oceans.

How does this make sense?

It doesn't.

And it won't.

So hold on and don't let go.

Quiet chaos in my mind.

What you can't see screams at you.

But you refuse to hear.

The fact that you're here means that there's more here for you.

Rubber Duckies

You shake my world.

I was so sure, so positive of who I was, what I wanted.

I always thought the puzzle pieces had to come from the same puzzle in order to fit together.

Yet everything about you is so incredibly beautiful.

You're just you,

striving more to be nothing but yourself.

And it's stunning.

You've shown me how to erase the hands of the clock.

I don't want to let time reign over me.

You've shown me what it looks like to live life simply.

And enjoy every moment of it.

And you may never see it,

but you teach me more and more about how to live like Christ.

What it means to truly be free of this world.

There's no going wrong when I know that the only thing you want for me is to be happy.

I just hope you see how happy I am when I'm with you.

Do not even Pagans do that?

You teach love so well.

Sermons, bible studies, daily devotionals, youth groups, vacation bible school.

You've created a system. From all the right angles, it's flawless. As innocent as a child's sing-a-long.

Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.

You teach it like a text book.


And yet you're so good at outwardly displaying enmity.

It's no wonder that they all feel the same hatred towards you;
Abhorrence emanates off of you.
They learn it from you.

How can you hate someone who is worthy of Christ's love and sacrifice, just as you are? How can you rejoice over the slaughter of a human life? What makes you think we have the right to adjudicate what we think is justice?

Have you forgotten everything that you claim to be?

Christ came to show us to love and thus defeat the enemy. And yet, in so many ways you aid the enemy, all in the name of your God.

As I recall, Jesus preferred to spend his time here with sinners and tax collectors. Why is it so different for you?






"You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" -Matthew 5:43-48

Dementia of the Heart

There's times when I smile and wish you were here,
Wish you were enjoying life with me.
And I long to know where life has you right now
Or where it's taking you,
wondering when you and I will be one in the same.

Wake me up.
Is this just a dream?
Are you just a phantom in the night,
a mere figment of my imagination?
I feel you so close, yet we're worlds apart.
Or is it that you're not there at all?

I wish it were all in my head;
But its dementia of the heart,
A luring madness.
The more I swallow it down,
the more it manifests within me.

Maybe soon I'll find that you're just as enamored by this delirium.

After the Cold

I wanna drown in a sea of wild grass.

Nothing between the earth and my bare feet.

We are One.

Running with the wind, I could fly away.

The closest to Home that I'll ever be.

Agape

Sometimes it's hard to separate the two:
Lust and Love.
Our society portrays them as a singular, synonymous emotion,
when this is not so.

Let me lay the line down for you.


I want something eternal, not superficial.
Not just a one time memory, but a memory that continues to produce more.

I wish I could put into words the longing that's within me.

I thirst for something pure and real.
Something perfect in all its imperfections.
I want something to fight for because its worth the battle.

I want something so beautiful that only the One who created its beauty could possibly begin to comprehend it.

Lust will never satisfy that desire.

I'll be here when you come into my Life.

I don't know what tomorrow brings,

But I know the song that my heart sings.

It sings of love for you,

a love like I never knew.

My desire burns within.

I'll be waiting for you, My Love.

Soon we'll have it all,

we'll have all we've dreamed of.

And I can promise you,

til our time is through,

I'll give my all for you.

I'll be waiting for you, My Love.

If only I could have been there

all your life.

If only I could take away your pain and strife.

Well, I've been there too,

you know it's true, My Love.

But soon I will be close to you, I'll be with you.

A voice within is telling me to hold on.

I know I won't be waiting for too long.

A voice within is telling me to hold on....

Hold on...