Grateful

There's some days that I have to just take a step outside my realm and look at the big picture.

Two years ago started a chain of events that changed me forever as a person . I know that there's only more room to grow from here.

At this point, I'm just giving thanks for life. I'm lucky to be alive and I've never been more aware of it.

Praise God.

Waiting for September

You left it all behind

For someone who left you so blind

Just a puppet on a string

Try to move but you're not free

I keep waiting for September

For the gentle breeze to ease my mind once again

And if you're lookin'

You will find me there

Just waiting for you to come home

Am I wrong for wanting things right?

Wanting you to live your life

What will it take for you to say no?
Be a man and stand on your own

I've been waiting

For far too long

Time's a wastin' Baby

Are you comin' home?

I kept waiting for September

For that gentle breeze that once eased my mind some time ago

But when you start looking

You won't, you won't find me there

'Cause I'll make it home on my own

Breathe

Running on top of rolls of hay.

You said forever.

Oh, but your smile made me believe it.

Leaves beneath our feet.

I missed the first time, but second shot, I hit right on.

But the cabin was so cold.

I'd never felt such a cold fire.

We were running late though.

Running.

I ran for you.

Ran 'til I couldn't breathe.

Gasping.

I didn't know it wouldn't be the only time you'd leave me without air.

You kept taking until I didn't have any left.

I don't want to let you take it anymore!

I want to breathe on my own.

When will you risk it all for me?

When you're willing to, it'll be too late.

I see that now.

Until then, you're still robbing me of air.

What about the Love?

Is that really all it is?

Just rules to follow?

Apparently so...that's what you teach.

That it's the truth. And we should follow it because it's the truth.

And because I'll burn in hell if I don't.

But where's the love?

Where's the love??

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was, what did he say? To follow all the rules or burn in hell??

Mark 12:30

"And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment."

He said that we shall fall in love with our Father.

He said we shall love.

He said we shall love!!

I don't want to follow rules!! I want to do things for my Savior because of the immense burning love I have for him, not because I want to be a good person and get a ticket to heaven. God judges our heart, not our actions. I just want to love God! Love him in ways that are so bluntly obvious to others that they'll want to fall in love too. I'm at the point that I don't even care if I have everlasting life or not because I just want to love God while I'm here...he sent his only son to die for me and the thought of somebody dying for me, fills me with a love like I can't describe.

What about the Love?

Stop Running

Sometimes I think that

if I could just be in your arms again,

everything would be okay.

That if, somehow,

you were to walk through the front door,

just like you used to,

I'd forget all the pain.

But what keeps you running?

You waste so much time on her

When you know all this time

She never loved you the way I did.

I could be there for you in ways she'd never be.

I thought you'd figured that out after our long midnight conversation.

When I was just there to listen.

When I was there to tell you God was on your side.

When I was there to be your best friend.

Yet you run back to her.

She's some disease you can't rid yourself of.

She eats at you and tears you down.

She takes away everything to love about you.

How long do you expect me to wait for you?

I won't wait forever.

You're wasting time you can't get back.

When are you going to get yourself together?

You aren't in high school anymore.

Life is happening now.

You say you want to leave her;

Done so several times.

Be a man! Leave her and stick to your word!

You tore my heart out and I was good to you.

Why's it so hard to do the same to her when all she does is fight with you??

Oh.

You don't have a back door this time.

You don't have another Sarah to take her spot and waste more time.

Did you really think you weren't going to have to face yourself eventually?

That time is now.

And if you blink, it's going to pass you by.

For once, do what you know is right instead of trying to please everyone else.

You've got one life to live and I've never seen someone waste so much of it.

I got myself together.

Now it's your turn.

Stop Running.

I don't want to wait anymore.

Mixed Emotions

How could you do this to me?

After all this time.

You were DEAD to me.

Not even in existence.

I had to pretend you fell off the face of the earth just to move on with my life.

And now you want to just show up in my life?

Do you even know the pain you've caused me?

No. You don't.

Don't act like you know me.

I'm not the girl you knew and I'm glad I'm not.

And yet I know I'm only mad because I love you.

Mad because I'm over you, and yet still, somehow love you.

So many memories flood back.

Good and Bad.

Good Times.

Like the time we went mudding.

Oh the look on your mother's face when she hosed us down like cattle.

I sat on the back of your dirt bike with mud hardening in my hair.

I remember the taste of mud when I leaned in to kiss you.

And we laughed when we realized how nasty it was!

Bad Times.

9am.

The pencil would not stay still in my hand.

I was so frustrated! I couldn't hold the damn pencil!

It was leaping out of my hand, into my heart, stabbing profusely.

I left for the bathroom, holding my own hair back.

You weren't there.

I walked out of there seeing "I love You" written in the snow.

I saw it everywhere I turned.

Too much to take in right now.

Can we take it slow?

Are we even "friends" yet?

I hope not.

It's too much to take in right now.

Please, don't make Sarah feel the same way I did.

Lessons Learned

I think.

A lot.

And I've been reflecting on how much I've grown and changed in the past few years of my life.

I wouldn't consider myself to be a person of wisdom, but there are just a few things I've come to know:

1.) The things you hold onto the most are like water in your hands. If you cup the water in your hands, the water sits at rest. But if you squeeze your hands to tightly, all the water slips right through your fingers. The things you hold onto the most are what slip through your fingers the easiest.

2.) Listening to your parents isn't about you following rules. It's about how much you respect and love them.

3.) LADIES: A man will NEVER make you happy. Ever. Period. The more you look to find happiness from a guy, the more you will find that you will never attain it. No matter what your relationship status is, you are stuck with all of who you are and you have to learn to love yourself.

4.) Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

5.) Whether it's the best or worst of times, it's the only time we have. And you can waste all of your life wanting something you don't have, or you can sit back and appreciate what you have at the moment.

6.) It takes far more guts to do the right thing than to take the easy way out.

7.) Real Love isn't about following a list of rules. It's not about demands placed upon us. Love is about being so consumed in agape love that you can't help but to want to live for God.

8.) Prom night is so much better when it's spent with real friends and when you're not wearing an uncomfortable dress.

9.) When it comes to relationships, love isn't always enough. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are the right person for you or that they treat you as well as you should be treated. Don't let your emotions fool you.

10.) Before we conquer the world, we must first conquer thy self.

11.) The best way to make a difference in someone's life is to be the love in their life.

12.) Simplicity can only be obtained when you allow yourself to become completely satisfied with what you've been given. Then there's no need for complexity.

13.) Don't dwell on your mistakes from yesterday because today, your only goal is to be better than you were the day before.

14.) Tough situations don't last; Tough people do.

15.) People will come in and out of your life all the time. When someones leaves, it just means that they've fulfilled their purpose in your life.

16.) Time is more of a friend than you think...

Lightning Bugs

I'm a quick learner.

I've been told I'm smart, but that's not it at all.

I'm just a very quick learner.

And it occurred to me that sometimes people hold onto things that they think are so incredibly amazing, until one day something better comes along and they realize how much of what they'd been holding onto wasn't much at all. It was just what they had at the moment.

He told me to pull over.

There was a dirt patch to pull off on to the side of the road beneath a canopy of trees.

He opened the door, got out, and turned his phone on to play some music.

You and Me by Lifehouse.

He opened the door for me, took me by the hand and we slow danced with the lightning bugs that night.

When that something or someone better comes along, you realize just how much of what you had at the moment you'd been holding on to.

Sunrise

The teapot sings as I realize I've been up all night, only to see the sun rise in the morning.

It's amazing because we all lay ourselves down at night not realizing the beautiful transition from night to day while the world's at rest in its lifeless inertia.

There's something about the stillness.
The entire absence of pandemonium.
I just want to hear You.