It's a disease.
Myself.
I used to think I was a fairly selfless person.
That statement in itself is pretty self-centered.
I thought by pushing everyone away I could be strong on my own.
That by pushing you, who's closest to me, to arm's length,
I could somehow avoid having attention be put on me,
When in fact, I end up becoming stuck in my head.
Prisoner to myself, to my own self-centered thoughts.
I don't want to push you away.
The truth is, I'm scared you'll see I'm broken and weak.
You say I'm strong.
I'm not.
I'm weaker than anyone I know.
I don't want you to see that I struggle.
I have God. I shouldn't have to struggle so desperately.
Right?
Because you say He's just a crutch.
If that were so, then why am I still so weak?
God keeps me fighting, yes.
But He's not a crutch.
I hate this self-pity stuff.
We all struggle with it to some extent, I suppose.
I can't get it out of my subconscious though.
I'm internally hiding from myself.
Hiding that I punish myself with self harm.
With every glance in the mirror, every calorie counted.
I can't even be honest with myself,
How can I be honest to you?
You say I look thinner.
You haven't seen thin.
I'm trying so hard to work this out on my own.
I can't promise you more than effort.
I want you in my life.
I miss you terribly.
I'm trying, babe. Please understand.
Give me time. I'm still learning to be okay with myself.
