This Generation

I'm not like these people.

In an enclosed environment full of people my age, with supposed similar beliefs,

I find that I'm not like any of them.

I don't feel the need to rely on others just to get me through the day.

I don't feel shaken by my doubts or valid doubts of others.

I'm not scared of life outside of an education system or my parents' house.

I'm not afraid to say no or yes.

I'm not afraid to BE ME.

Being me means that I have doubts, fears, and struggles.

But being me means that I'm okay with all of them.

Is everyone in this generation incoherent?!

At least in high school I could escape from these people after the eight hour day was done.

I feel suffocated by kids whose parents never let them grow.

And now they cling to anything that's even remotely stable.

These kids are so called "adults".

Then why don't they think for themselves??

Why don't they rely on themselves?

Why don't they believe and trust in themselves when all they truly have are themselves?

They're so brainwashed by society.

It's sad.

It's painful.

It's pathetic.

Everything inside of me screams out for something more.

Why aren't they screaming too?

Where's their inner self that is yelling to be FREE?

Or are they that far gone?

Is there no hope for this generation?

They'll cling onto Mommy and Daddy.

They'll desperately cling onto their close friends.

Then they'll find that right person in their life that they can desperately cling onto for the rest of their lives until one day they wake up and realize that they spent their whole life clinging onto everything around them and never found true happiness or self-worth.

Or worse yet, that they'll never realize it.

Captive

It's a disease.

Myself.

I used to think I was a fairly selfless person.

That statement in itself is pretty self-centered.

I thought by pushing everyone away I could be strong on my own.

That by pushing you, who's closest to me, to arm's length,

I could somehow avoid having attention be put on me,

When in fact, I end up becoming stuck in my head.

Prisoner to myself, to my own self-centered thoughts.

I don't want to push you away.

The truth is, I'm scared you'll see I'm broken and weak.

You say I'm strong.

I'm not.

I'm weaker than anyone I know.

I don't want you to see that I struggle.

I have God. I shouldn't have to struggle so desperately.

Right?

Because you say He's just a crutch.

If that were so, then why am I still so weak?

God keeps me fighting, yes.

But He's not a crutch.

I hate this self-pity stuff.

We all struggle with it to some extent, I suppose.

I can't get it out of my subconscious though.

I'm internally hiding from myself.

Hiding that I punish myself with self harm.

With every glance in the mirror, every calorie counted.

I can't even be honest with myself,

How can I be honest to you?

You say I look thinner.

You haven't seen thin.

I'm trying so hard to work this out on my own.

I can't promise you more than effort.

I want you in my life.

I miss you terribly.

I'm trying, babe. Please understand.

Give me time. I'm still learning to be okay with myself.

Set Me Free

My soul feels ready to burst.

This air is so stifling.

Can't. Breathe.

I just want to pray,

Want to be near,

NEED to be near.

Torn in separate places.

This one's going to scar.

I'm at loss.

My hands are tied.

But you'll never see,

Never see that my mouth is covered.

There's so much my heart desires for.

So much you wouldn't understand,

or even begin to comprehend.

How can something feel so right,

and yet so entirely wrong all at the same time?

My soul is so thirsty...

Help!

I'm running dry!

How much longer will this desert plague me?

Humble Me

I just want all that I do to be an act of worship to the one who gave everything for me. I want to be a mirror image of him in every way. My attempts are pitiful and I just beg that he continues to humble me. But I will never stop fighting because his kingdom is the only one worth fighting for.

Homesick

To not feel you near is the worst feeling in the world. And it's not something that anyone can understand unless they know you. My soul aches and groans, mostly because I'm the one who pushes you away. Then when I don't feel you, all that's left is emptiness and pain. And it's not guilt. I know what choices I've made. It's a tearing between flesh and spirit and damnit, it hurts. It's my own desire to compromise that inevitably breaks me in two. Sometimes I wish for this to be over, that I may simply be with you. I'm so far from home.

Limbo

Is it really that big of choice?

Who do you love more?

I hate this feeling.

Longing so strongly for God

and yet also longing, just as strongly,

if not more, for that which is visible, tangible,

and of which I'm sure of.

It's absurd that I'd feel like it's a choice.

He only sent his Son to die for me.

He only forgave all of my sins in their entirety

and made me new.

He only loves me with an agape love that, as a human,

I am incapable of replicating.

Only gave it all for ME.

And yet I have the nerve to feel

I need to make a choice??

The battle between flesh and spirit is more painful than I can put into words. Why is this such a struggle?

I wish that the flesh and spirit were

more compatible with one another.

This shouldn't be a choice.

But I'm stuck in this limbo.

Agape

Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē): Greek word meaning "love", unconditional love.

How do you define love? I've come to know love as more than being patient, more than being kind. Sometimes love is painful, scary, and flat out difficult. But it is always beautiful and always true. It's a paradox of deep struggle and beauty. The English language cannot possibly begin to define it, but I absolutely know that it is the only thing worth living for.