Captive

It's a disease.

Myself.

I used to think I was a fairly selfless person.

That statement in itself is pretty self-centered.

I thought by pushing everyone away I could be strong on my own.

That by pushing you, who's closest to me, to arm's length,

I could somehow avoid having attention be put on me,

When in fact, I end up becoming stuck in my head.

Prisoner to myself, to my own self-centered thoughts.

I don't want to push you away.

The truth is, I'm scared you'll see I'm broken and weak.

You say I'm strong.

I'm not.

I'm weaker than anyone I know.

I don't want you to see that I struggle.

I have God. I shouldn't have to struggle so desperately.

Right?

Because you say He's just a crutch.

If that were so, then why am I still so weak?

God keeps me fighting, yes.

But He's not a crutch.

I hate this self-pity stuff.

We all struggle with it to some extent, I suppose.

I can't get it out of my subconscious though.

I'm internally hiding from myself.

Hiding that I punish myself with self harm.

With every glance in the mirror, every calorie counted.

I can't even be honest with myself,

How can I be honest to you?

You say I look thinner.

You haven't seen thin.

I'm trying so hard to work this out on my own.

I can't promise you more than effort.

I want you in my life.

I miss you terribly.

I'm trying, babe. Please understand.

Give me time. I'm still learning to be okay with myself.

Set Me Free

My soul feels ready to burst.

This air is so stifling.

Can't. Breathe.

I just want to pray,

Want to be near,

NEED to be near.

Torn in separate places.

This one's going to scar.

I'm at loss.

My hands are tied.

But you'll never see,

Never see that my mouth is covered.

There's so much my heart desires for.

So much you wouldn't understand,

or even begin to comprehend.

How can something feel so right,

and yet so entirely wrong all at the same time?

My soul is so thirsty...

Help!

I'm running dry!

How much longer will this desert plague me?

Humble Me

I just want all that I do to be an act of worship to the one who gave everything for me. I want to be a mirror image of him in every way. My attempts are pitiful and I just beg that he continues to humble me. But I will never stop fighting because his kingdom is the only one worth fighting for.

Homesick

To not feel you near is the worst feeling in the world. And it's not something that anyone can understand unless they know you. My soul aches and groans, mostly because I'm the one who pushes you away. Then when I don't feel you, all that's left is emptiness and pain. And it's not guilt. I know what choices I've made. It's a tearing between flesh and spirit and damnit, it hurts. It's my own desire to compromise that inevitably breaks me in two. Sometimes I wish for this to be over, that I may simply be with you. I'm so far from home.

Limbo

Is it really that big of choice?

Who do you love more?

I hate this feeling.

Longing so strongly for God

and yet also longing, just as strongly,

if not more, for that which is visible, tangible,

and of which I'm sure of.

It's absurd that I'd feel like it's a choice.

He only sent his Son to die for me.

He only forgave all of my sins in their entirety

and made me new.

He only loves me with an agape love that, as a human,

I am incapable of replicating.

Only gave it all for ME.

And yet I have the nerve to feel

I need to make a choice??

The battle between flesh and spirit is more painful than I can put into words. Why is this such a struggle?

I wish that the flesh and spirit were

more compatible with one another.

This shouldn't be a choice.

But I'm stuck in this limbo.

Agape

Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē): Greek word meaning "love", unconditional love.

How do you define love? I've come to know love as more than being patient, more than being kind. Sometimes love is painful, scary, and flat out difficult. But it is always beautiful and always true. It's a paradox of deep struggle and beauty. The English language cannot possibly begin to define it, but I absolutely know that it is the only thing worth living for.

Diamonds in the Sand

I never thought that I could love like this

Just within one kiss I,

I feel I've got the world at my feet

There ain't nothin' that I can't defeat, No

And yet I feel so free

You make me wanna live

More like me

It's the only way be

But it's difficult in a world

Full of manufactured people

When you and I are like diamonds in the sand

I always thought that I

Had my life planned out

Yeah I had no doubt that I,

I'd find a man like me

Who breathes, speaks, and thinks

Just like me

But you see things differently

And you make me wanna live

More like me

'Cause it's the only way to be

But it's difficult in a world

Full of manufactured people

When you and I are like diamonds in the sand.