Nashville Day #1

The minute I got here I knew I wanted to document this crazy ride, so here it is. I left Latrobe a little bit later than I was hoping to yesterday, drove all day, and decided to call it a night when I got to be about an hour outside the city. I was exhausted and after a failed attempt to get comfy in my station wagon (hereafter referred to by her name, Francesca), I caved and got a cheap motel room. The king sized bed was awesome, the rusty shower, not so much.

I woke up this morning admittedly anxious. Or terrified is probably more accurate. It finally occurred to me that I was within an hour of Nashville, Tennessee with nothing but Francesca and my half broke Yamaha. Craziness. Unfortunately, the motel I stayed at did not have wifi so I drove across the street to McDonald's and tried to figure out a game plan. I checked out all the open mics and it looked like the Bluebird Cafe was where I should plan to be for the night. Awesome decision. When I had my fix of coffee, I drove the final hour into the city and the second I got there, any anxiety I previously had disappeared off the face of the earth and was quickly replaced with an incredible elation. With nowhere to go, I drove around aimlessly and walked around where I could just to kill some time and soak it all in. The city is fantastic when you have nowhere to be.
The next few hours were sort of a blur and I'm still taking it all in. I just got done performing at the Bluebird Cafe and am now sitting in a McDonalds (yet again) stealing their lovely free wifi. I could continue in lengthy detail about all the specifics but that seems too tedious of a task. i.e. I'm too lazy to type it all out. It was three hours of nothing but original music from people all over (some from England, Australia, and Canada!). I played one of my original songs and was one of two people to get to play a second song (woot!) and I wasn't booed off stage. Success. I was actually surprised to find that I wasn't the worst musician in there, although I wasn't the best either.

I found a place to crash tonight. So glad Candida Sylvania was able to hook me up. I also ran into two of the musicians from the open mic sitting here at McDonald's and they suggested a hostel in town so I think I'll probably head there in a few days.

That was a lot of text. If you've read this far, well done. You must be bored beyond belief. I'm going to go sit on reddit now. More adventures tomorrow.

Fruit

She just sat and gazed intently, staring with every desire in the world fixated on that pear. But she was just an orange with an undesirable bulbous figure . 'The pear has curves in all the right places,' she would think to herself. She became lost in her thoughts, fixated on the smooth exterior peel of the pear that seemed to have a flawless, lustrous glow. She'd give anything in the world to look like that, even if it meant giving away the parts of her that make her who she is: an orange.

But within this orange lies a juicy nectar full of nutrients and life that the pear does not possess. The delicate peel of the pear would never provide the safeguard needed to protect the flowing riches that lie within a single orange.

And yet, so many oranges want to be pears.

Quicksand

Lights all around

And I can feel where the air meets the ground

I pull back my hair

And try to feel, try to feel what isn't there

Tell me that where my feet hit the ground I can stand

And tell me that I'm not walking on quicksand

I slip on these shoes

And try to walk like they're not loose

And when I've had enough

I try to grab ahold of the air that's not there

Tell me that where my feet hit the ground I can stand

And tell me that I'm not walking on quicksand

Who am I living for,

when the depths of my soul scream for more?

And I can't fool my heart

to be something it's not

Tell me that where my feet hit the ground I can stand

And tell me 

That I'm not walking on quicksand

Wide-Eyed

Sometimes I feel like a little kid walking around a world that's so big.

My eyes wide open to everything, just watching.

And I'm still learning. Do we really ever stop? It seems the longer I'm here, the more I realize how much there is to know, to learn, to grow.

Only in admitting this do I look around and begin to see, to see that we're all one in the same. It's not a measure of who's burden is heavier; it's about the burdens being carried, and that we're all under the immense weight of them.

I'm learning to share this commonality with others, even when they don't see it in me. Everyone's at battle with something; it's part of being human. Often times we just forget that, I think. We get so caught up in the midst of ourselves that we don't just watch and listen.

Dizzy Spell

I wonder if you laugh when you see me walking around in circles from above. But from down here, it seems that any straight path I walk on just ends up back in the circle. Once I'm in, I can't stop myself from pressing my foot back into the craters I'd left before until it's impossible for me to tell which footprints are new.

I'm getting dizzy.

Consumed.

Everything around me is a blur.

I suppose all I can do is keep walking around in my circle.

This Generation

I'm not like these people.

In an enclosed environment full of people my age, with supposed similar beliefs,

I find that I'm not like any of them.

I don't feel the need to rely on others just to get me through the day.

I don't feel shaken by my doubts or valid doubts of others.

I'm not scared of life outside of an education system or my parents' house.

I'm not afraid to say no or yes.

I'm not afraid to BE ME.

Being me means that I have doubts, fears, and struggles.

But being me means that I'm okay with all of them.

Is everyone in this generation incoherent?!

At least in high school I could escape from these people after the eight hour day was done.

I feel suffocated by kids whose parents never let them grow.

And now they cling to anything that's even remotely stable.

These kids are so called "adults".

Then why don't they think for themselves??

Why don't they rely on themselves?

Why don't they believe and trust in themselves when all they truly have are themselves?

They're so brainwashed by society.

It's sad.

It's painful.

It's pathetic.

Everything inside of me screams out for something more.

Why aren't they screaming too?

Where's their inner self that is yelling to be FREE?

Or are they that far gone?

Is there no hope for this generation?

They'll cling onto Mommy and Daddy.

They'll desperately cling onto their close friends.

Then they'll find that right person in their life that they can desperately cling onto for the rest of their lives until one day they wake up and realize that they spent their whole life clinging onto everything around them and never found true happiness or self-worth.

Or worse yet, that they'll never realize it.

Captive

It's a disease.

Myself.

I used to think I was a fairly selfless person.

That statement in itself is pretty self-centered.

I thought by pushing everyone away I could be strong on my own.

That by pushing you, who's closest to me, to arm's length,

I could somehow avoid having attention be put on me,

When in fact, I end up becoming stuck in my head.

Prisoner to myself, to my own self-centered thoughts.

I don't want to push you away.

The truth is, I'm scared you'll see I'm broken and weak.

You say I'm strong.

I'm not.

I'm weaker than anyone I know.

I don't want you to see that I struggle.

I have God. I shouldn't have to struggle so desperately.

Right?

Because you say He's just a crutch.

If that were so, then why am I still so weak?

God keeps me fighting, yes.

But He's not a crutch.

I hate this self-pity stuff.

We all struggle with it to some extent, I suppose.

I can't get it out of my subconscious though.

I'm internally hiding from myself.

Hiding that I punish myself with self harm.

With every glance in the mirror, every calorie counted.

I can't even be honest with myself,

How can I be honest to you?

You say I look thinner.

You haven't seen thin.

I'm trying so hard to work this out on my own.

I can't promise you more than effort.

I want you in my life.

I miss you terribly.

I'm trying, babe. Please understand.

Give me time. I'm still learning to be okay with myself.